TL;DR / Key Takeaways
- Many gay men prefer non-penetrative sex — and it’s completely valid.
- The “Side” identity challenges the cultural expectation that anal = real sex.
- Saunas and hookup spaces already support Side-friendly play.
- Being a Side doesn’t make sex less intimate, less erotic, or less “gay.”
- The movement reflects a bigger shift: pleasure first, scripts second.
Why Are More Men Calling Themselves ‘Sides’?
If you spend even a few minutes in queer corners of TikTok, Reddit, or late-night Grindr debates, you’ll notice a quiet shift happening. More men are openly saying that penetration simply isn’t part of their sex life — not because they’re shy, not because of pain, not because they “haven’t met the right one yet,” but because it’s just not their thing.
For decades, gay culture has been organised around a rigid set of expectations: you’re a top, a bottom, or somewhere in between. Everything from porn categories to casual chats in bars reinforces the idea that gay sex revolves around penetration. Yet a growing group of men have stepped away from that entirely, choosing a label that finally gives language to their actual desires: Side.
The Side identity is not fringe anymore. It’s becoming a confident, visible declaration that intimacy doesn’t require someone to bend over, take the lead, or “perform” a stereotypical role. It’s a reminder that MSM sexuality has always been far broader than the scripts handed down to us, and that pleasure doesn’t need to fit a porn storyline to be legitimate.
This is more than a trend; it’s a course-correction.
How Did Anal Become the ‘Main Event’ in Gay Culture?
To understand why the Side revolution matters, you have to look at how deeply the idea of penetrative sex has been embedded into queer life. Porn is the obvious starting point: the majority of gay porn treats penetration as the emotional climax, the visual centrepiece, the thing everything else builds towards. It became shorthand for masculinity, sexual competence, and even desirability.
Over time, this seeped into the way gay men think about each other — and themselves. The top/bottom/vers identity triangle became so dominant that rejecting it can feel like stepping outside the entire script of “how gay sex works.” In hookup spaces, on apps, or even in darkrooms, men often introduce themselves with a role before anything else.
You can see this dynamic clearly explored in guides like Tops, Bottoms & Vers: Navigating Roles in the Darkroom.
Yet this role-based system doesn’t reflect the full landscape of men’s desires. For many gay and bi men, penetration has never been central — but the absence of language kept them quiet. Without a name for it, the cultural interpretation was often cruel: “lazy,” “vanilla,” “not experienced,” or “not adventurous enough.”
The Side identity gives those men a home — and removes the shame.
What Exactly Does It Mean to Be a Side?
Being a Side is simple: you’re a man who prefers non-penetrative sexual intimacy. That’s it. No asterisks, no hidden meanings, no need to justify it with trauma or excuses. It doesn’t mean you’re asexual, repressed, or inexperienced. It doesn’t say anything about your masculinity. It’s simply an expression of what brings you pleasure.
Side sex can include oral, grinding, mutual touch, kissing, sensual teasing, erotic massage, body worship, or kink elements. These aren’t “foreplay”; they’re the main act. Many of the behaviours that Sides enjoy are already deeply embedded within sauna culture — just look at articles like Mutual Masturbation in Gay Saunas or Oral Sex in Gay Saunas, and you’ll see that these forms of connection are both mainstream and widely enjoyed.
What makes the Side identity powerful is that it validates these acts as complete in their own right. You’re not “working up to anything.” You’re not “making do.” You’re doing exactly what you came for.
For many men, claiming the label feels liberating — a permission slip to stop pretending and start expressing.
Is Non-Penetrative Sex Less Intimate or ‘Less Gay’?
This is where the conversation gets emotional, because for years the cultural script told men that anal defines gay sex. Anything else, the implications go, is either incomplete, childish, or “not proper sex.” This attitude has quietly made countless men feel inadequate or broken, especially if penetration never felt appealing or comfortable.
But intimacy isn’t determined by any one act; it’s shaped by intention, connection, and desire. Two men wrapped in each other’s arms, grinding slowly in the dark, or devouring each other with kissing, can share something far more intimate than a rushed penetrative encounter in a cabin. Consider how many sauna interactions look more like sensuous touch, teasing, or quiet oral-only connections — scenes explored in pieces like Silent Hookups in Gay Saunas.
Non-penetrative sex also removes performance anxiety. Without the fear of losing an erection, struggling with discomfort, or worrying about stamina, many men report being more relaxed, more expressive, and more in tune with their partners.
In this view, the Side identity doesn’t reduce intimacy; it often amplifies it.
How Are Saunas and Hookup Spaces Adapting to Side Culture?
Interestingly, saunas were ahead of the cultural curve long before the term “Side” existed. The layout of most UK venues naturally encourages a wide spectrum of sexual interactions, many of which have nothing to do with penetration. Darkrooms are filled with hands, mouths, bodies pressed together — the kind of encounters that Sides describe as their core desires.
Even in cabins, a huge portion of encounters involve oral-led or touch-focused connections. Plenty of men walk into a private room, explore each other with their hands and tongues, finish each other off, and leave perfectly satisfied — without anyone reaching for lube.
And when mismatched roles arise — two tops, two bottoms, or mixed preferences — these spaces often help men find a rhythm that works for both. This dynamic is explored in Navigate Mismatched Roles in Gay Saunas, which shows how compatibility can exist without defaulting to penetration.
Saunas don’t need to “adapt” to Side culture. They already support it. What’s changing is that now the men themselves are articulating this truth.
What Does the Side Identity Reveal About Modern MSM Sex?
The Side movement is part of a bigger transformation in how gay and bi men think about sex, identity, and connection. It signifies a shift away from porn-driven expectations and towards self-defined desire. In many ways, it’s a pushback against sexual scripts that prioritise roles over pleasure.
Being a Side often reflects:
- more comfort with sensuality
- less pressure to “perform” masculinity
- a focus on connection and compatibility
- a more exploratory and less hierarchical approach to sex
- a growing awareness of sexual wellbeing and body comfort
- a desire to stop treating sex as a checklist
It also removes the idea that gay sex must follow a cinematic plot with penetration as the finale. For many men, the best sex happens when they let go of that expectation and tune in to what feels good in real time.
The Side identity isn’t about removing something from sex — it’s about reclaiming everything else.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Does identifying as a Side mean I’ll never want anal again?
Not necessarily. Some Sides occasionally enjoy penetration but don’t consider it their default or preferred activity. The identity is about preference, not a permanent ban.
2. Are Sides considered part of the top/bottom/vers spectrum?
Not really. The Side identity sits outside that framework entirely because it rejects penetration as the defining element of sex.
3. Do Sides struggle to find partners?
Increasingly, no. More men are open about enjoying oral and mutual play, and sauna culture already accommodates these experiences naturally.
4. Can Side sex be just as satisfying as penetrative sex?
Absolutely. Many Sides report deeper intimacy, reduced anxiety, and more erotic connection when sex centres on touch, oral, or non-penetrative play.
5. Is being a Side linked to pain or discomfort during anal?
Sometimes, but not always. Many Sides simply prefer other forms of sexual connection and don’t base their identity on avoidance.
Conclusion
Put simply: the Side revolution is a long-overdue celebration of how diverse gay and bi men’s sexualities have always been. It frees men from rigid expectations and reframes pleasure as something deeply individual. Whether you’re a Side yourself or someone wanting to understand the men you meet, embracing this identity opens up a more flexible, less pressured, more authentic approach to sex.
When men stop forcing themselves into roles and start listening to their own desires, sex becomes what it should have been all along — an exploration of what feels good, not what’s expected.